When you’ve decided that you can’t continue to be your parent’s primary caregiver, how do you break it to the family? And how do you manage your own feelings of sadness and guilt?
“Other people don’t always like or understand our decisions,” says Steven Zarit, a professor in the human development and family studies department at Pennsylvania State University and a caregiver support group leader. “We all have limits on what we are able to do, and if we have done the best we can and can’t go on, we shouldn’t feel guilty,” Zarit says.
Read on for a few steps to follow when discussing a change in caregiving arrangements with your family.
- Reframe your decision
It’s normal to feel guilty when you decide to stop being a caregiver for a loved one, but there are other ways to view this change.
- Consider how others will be affected
Your decision to no longer be your parent’s primary caregiver will probably bring change for your other family members, too. They may resent your decision and worry that they’ll now have to put more time and effort into caregiving.
Undoubtedly, there will be complex family dynamics. Past issues between siblings may resurface. And any kind of change is usually difficult for everyone at first.
When she holds family meetings, Qualls finds it effective to ask, “What is most important to you about your mother’s life from today until the day she dies?” This question can help people focus on the parent rather than siblings’ perceived shortcomings or family history. It’s also an opportunity to brainstorm and collaborate.
- Communicate with care and compassion
When you explain that something needs to change, make it clear to siblings that you’re not telling them what to do or forcing them into something they don’t want to do. It’s helpful to use inclusive language, such as:
- “Here are my thoughts”
- “I could use your help figuring out the next steps”
- “We’re in this together”
- “Do you have any other ideas?”
Sometimes the discussion can get heated. But rather than argue, tell family members you’ve done the best you can, and really believe it. If there’s pushback, stay calm.
You might say, “Maybe I could’ve done things differently, but I’ve truly reached the end of the line and need some help.” If they seem willing, tell them they’re welcome to take over caregiving responsibilities.
For some families, it makes sense to find a neutral, third party with clinical training to manage or attend the meeting. Your local Area Agency on Aging in Surprise, AZ may be able to recommend a geriatric care manager, an elder mediator, or a family therapist to help facilitate your discussion.
- Remember to acknowledge your feelings
Do you think others are judging you for not being a good enough daughter or sibling, or for abandoning the original caregiving plan? Do you believe that yourself? Do you feel someone else could have done better? Are others constantly criticizing your caregiving decisions?
If so, try to have self-compassion and be kind to yourself. Feeling exhausted, inadequate, or resentful is often what happens when caregivers set boundaries or change the rules.
Remember that others have been in your situation before, and there are ways to talk to them. Consider joining an in-person or online caregiver support group in Surprise, Arizona.
What’s the next step?
Once you’ve discussed your desire for a caregiving change, you may decide as a family that your aging loved one needs more help than you or your siblings can provide. For any other questions about this in Surprise, Arizona, consider giving us a call here at Mariposa Point Surpass Senior Living.